Love Story
09.23.2011 
Some friends flocked me for my 45th birthday!Please read the “love” in love story as a verb in this phrase.
In a recent blogpost, I posed the question: Will I despise my birthright (my story) like Esau?
This is a question I have mused for about seven years. Upon reading the story of Jacob and Esau, I had to ask myself, “how do I despise my story?” The fact that Esau despised his birthright began to haunt me.
To despise means to regard something as worthless, to hold in contempt. The very act of undervaluing something or someone implies contempt.
I despise my story, my birthright, when I pretend to be someone else. In college I experienced an amazing Christian community of peers who attended RUF and Campus Crusade. I had never known anything like this. My inclination in this community was to hide my story. I came from a long line of hell-raisers who could curse a blue streak to rival any sailor. God entered this band of horse thieves and outlaws and in His grace brought many to salvation. But the picture of my family did not line up with any puritanical image. We were not your poster family for a “godly heritage.”
Or so I thought.
For the past 23 years, I’ve learned a few things and read more than one story of biblical characters who would have fit right in at one of our family reunions. I’ve become more and more willing to share the truth about my need, excuse me - my desperation - for God’s grace.
I honor my story when I tell of how depraved I am and how I need God’s grace for my very breath. When I share the turmoil and chaos of my family of origin, God’s intervention shines brighter against that backdrop of darkness.
I despise my story when I try to find my own answers.
Esau is called godless and profane in the book of Hebrews. I think “all over a cup of stew?” Really? And I know that I have done the same thing... every time I choose a momentary comfort of an idol over the Presence of God.
Esau did not trust God to provide. He responded with a cavalier answer to his predicament: “"Behold, I am about to die; so of what use then is the birthright to me?"
Often when we reach for our idols, we think the same thing. We believe the pain will kill us. In part of our brains, we are threatened and often believe we may lose our lives if we face the pain. This is the root of addiction.
In nursing school, I heard a fascinating lecture I will never forget by a physician who had lost his license because of an addiction to shooting up cough syrup in the femoral vein. He explained addiction as a matter of our primitive brain also called the reptilian brain. He said this is why addiction can only be addressed in a spiritual context. We need a Higher Power to transcend this fear of death.
In my opinion, addicts understand the grace of God better than most Christians. When they begin to get healing, they oftentimes see their addiction so clearly and register the powerlessness of it. Whereas at church, we tend to put on airs like we got this life-thing handled.
I want to honor my story.
In Revelation 12:11 we are told how to have victory over the Evil One. “They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.” That is how powerful my story is... my weapon right up there with the blood of the Lamb. I have no story without the blood of the Lamb. But coupled with that... what power!
I desire to live this belief out like it bleeds out of my marrow. Musing my story seems appropriate as I celebrate my 45th birthday. For 35 years, I have walked with my God. Will I let my story be a weapon in my hand? Or will I, like Esau, choose the godless path of pretending and addiction?
Reader Comments (2)
wow. oh my goodness. you have remarkable insight and a gift for expressing it. this one cut me to the quick. I have never seen myself in Esau like I do now. I have despised my story and have countless times anesthetized my pain in very socially acceptable ways. Thank you again for sharing your story and insights and God's grace in your life.
L, thanks for your honesty and encouragement. And thanks for reading. G