Fear Not

Today I awoke to a dark house excited to spend my first moments alone with God. I tiptoed to the coffee pot then to my chair. A few days ago, I had put my journal in a basket beside the chair in anticipation of these moments. I turned the switch of the lamp balancing coffee and “click” the lightbulb flickered for a moment and died. I sat again in the dark. Wow, Lord, that feels like the enemy.

I whispered a prayer that nothing touches my life but that it first passes through the protective fingers of My Heavenly Father. 

Then, I moved my coffee and journal to the end of the couch and found a working lamp. I sat with the Lord in silence and processed yesterday. I had an appointment with a doctor about my foot. My foot has hurt off and on since spring of 2010. Finally, I found the self-care to go see about it. I sat in the doctor’s office for 2 hours arguing with Cobra that I had insurance coverage. Cigna says, “call Connexis.” 

Connexis says that we have not paid. 

I say, “we have an AUTOMATED BANK DRAFT every month that pays you for these services.” 

Connexis says, “The draft is for the 15th so we won’t have January coverage until 1/15/11.” 

“Crazymaking,” I say, “can’t you see that if we pay on the 15th of each month for that month, in effect, I have no coverage for two weeks out of each month equaling a breach of contract on your part. I am paying for the month and I am getting half the month.” 

She says, “You can pay today.” 

I say, “I paid on the 15th.”  

And so the circular conversation persists for 2 hours. 

I had talked to the ladies at the front desk off and on. Finally, I say to Betsy, “Just let me self-pay.” 

Forget the fact that I pay a large sum of money each month for insurance and if I self-pay today for x-rays and physician services, I likely will never recover the funds. She looks at me with kind eyes and red-spikey hair lining an attractive face and says, “It is now 2:45. Your appointment was at 1:00. I’m sorry. I asked the nurse and she said they cannot see you. I tried.”

I felt battered, needless to say. This process had me questioning the constitution of the United States and the greed and lust of our current culture. Take morality out of free enterprise and what do you have? I am not sure what to call it but many are exploited. I felt like one of those. My reaction to this powerlessness? To bawl. I got on the elevator, tears streaming, and left the scene. 

Back to today. The Lord gently reminds me that He is My Father and that all things that pass into my life are GRACE.

Sam wakes up and pads in asking for his chocolate milk. As I am stirring standing at my kitchen butcher block, I see a little angel he made. The message on the skirt of the angel, “FEAR NOT.” 

Got it, Lord. Thanks. These tiny letters speak to my heart and call my soul back to truth. He speaks through a tiny paper angel constructed in love by 5-year-old fingers. 

Update on 01.7.2011 by gigi