well hello cynic
05.18.2012 
In digging around for gratitude, I have been introduced to the cynic within.
After the first dramatic entry in my gratitude journal, I had a hard time finding the second entry.
Something surprising showed up. The cynic. Now few people would label me a cynic including myself. So this shocked me. And instructed me.
Insomnia heralded the cynic. After an hour in the bed checking the clock at 4 minute intervals, I finally gave up and got up. It was 2:30 a.m. I wrote the post about 1000 gifts #1 being underwear, folded clothes, read some blogs. At 4:00 a.m. the birds started singing. Normally this would indicate the dawn of a new day and new mercies but to the red-eyed and bedraggled, the birds spotlighted the fact that sleep had eluded me.
I uttered: #2. the birds singing at 4:00 a.m. I suppose it was the sarcastic tone that gave up the cynic, undetectable in these black and white words. Nonetheless, gratitude did not live in the text.
The cynic looks like Randall from Monster’s Inc. A chameleon, he shows up dressed in camouflage wherever hope may flicker. He’s a fast-talker, sell you some dirt in the Mississippi Delta-type. He’s a survivor. We all have a little cynic in us. It’s one way we make life work apart from a grace banquet.
Cynicism works on hope much like the fly zapper. Like the fly, hope meets a quick and certain death. Gruesome even. The electric current of the cynic nukes hope before it has a chance to bloom. Why? Because hope is a scary thing to the cynic. Hope has often been met by disappointment. The cynic chooses to remain safe and lifeless instead of reaching for hope.
When several other “entries” showed up in this sarcastic cynical voice, I started to pay attention. The grateful words did not drip from my pen like I thought they would. I honestly searched for my own voice and not Vosskamp’s sometimes syrupy “bands of garnet, cobalt, flowing luminous” aka a soap bubble.
And so it is with honesty that I will proceed in the hunt for 1000 gifts. And with courage that I will tame and parent the cynic.
9. Sam’s indomitable smirk after he zapped a fly at 6:55 a.m.
(Note: Vosskamp identifies her own “Pollyanna” language and takes us deeper into her heart. Her journey inspires mine.)
1000 gifts, courage, hope, strength
Reader Comments (3)
I am indescribably grateful for your wise words. While I have been attempting to accept the challenge to 'Live fully right where I am' I have really struggled and you have named my ailment! And how can I overcome an ailment when I don't recognize exactly what I am battling? Thanks friend :) I would love to hear your suggestions for fighting this battle. My first step is to find inspiration in my children, my reading, and to try to honestly look at my immediate world (which might be the wrong place to look to overcome my inner cynic). Maybe looking to the Word with a fresh eye and certainly prayer will be a part.
From my own notebook:
213. A friend whose honesty and refusal to hide behind cultural norms of "nice" makes me laugh and makes me a better seeker of the Truth.
I still can't get over #1 being "underwear." Priceless.
We don't want the cynic in us, I agree, but DO NOT lose your irreverent humor. Then all I'd have left is knock-knock jokes from my kids. And talk about getting cynical, that would do it. :)
Kae, Big sigh! I'm not alone! Awareness is our first step. Followed up with kindness toward the cynic. The cynic thinks he/she is protecting us like armor but really it is a prison.
The cynic is starving for grace. I'm gonna take her to the table, girl. The banquet table. Because it is overflowing abundance of every kind of delicacy imaginable. It's gonna blow her mind and she's gonna smile so big.
Thanks for sharing your struggle with me. Together is better.