sword drills

Matt and I on our wedding day, January 5, 1991. Anger invaded my body and pushed aside good sense. 

I risk nausea to read in silence Safe Haven Marriage, a book assigned for the marriage group we are about to attend. We are late. And I am bringing the refreshments. Joshua and Sam chirp in the backseat as Matt navigates our van toward church. 

Matt and I had argued only an hour before and I had not recovered. Given a choice, a root canal would have been more appealing than a marriage class at that point. I couldn’t even look at or speak to my spouse, how am I going to absorb any information about loving him?

I read... “Contempt blah blah blah predictor of divorce. Criticism blah blah blah predictor of divorce.” Great, I am thinking but still not speaking. Matt drops me off first with the snack and drives around to take Joshua and Sam to childcare. 

Larry Kayser greets me as I plop down the chocolate chip cake on the table. “Wow! You look so tan! Have you been in the sun?” I want to tell him it is the glow of anger but blame the soccer field instead. 

Somehow I make it through half the group with this strategy: Say as little as possible. 

An hour in, I pray to Jesus. Help me. I don’t want to be robbed of this time. 

And I speak a few sentences because it is hard for me to be quiet. I steal a little look at Matt.

Then in closing, Larry opens his Bible and reads:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

And I feel it. The sword. I give myself over to it. Like a pin poking a balloon, the sword deflates my swollen ego. Divides bone and marrow. Rage and blame. Fear and loathing. I feel something soften deep with me like a moisture infiltrating a dry shell. Living Water rushes in and my heart is clay again. 

Later that night I sit with an open journal. I ask for honesty and humility and grace. I write these words: He bore it in His body so I don’t have to bear it in mine. Once again the Water in the form of tears softens my hardened heart. 

Then I take that much softer heart to Matt and we begin again. The anger is important identifying markers in my soul... things Matt, my soul-mate, needs to know to know me. Intimacy. 

It is a remarkable moment birthed in hope and promise.

God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon's scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God's Word. We can't get away from it - no matter what.

Hebrews 4:7-14

Update on 04.21.2012 by gigi

Two Notes About This Post: Matt has approved the content and given his blessing on this post. Also, the next chapter in Safe Haven Marriage is entitled "Dealing With Marital Emotions." Stay tuned.

believe truth

Matthew stands in front of JAWS in Costa Rica.We fight a defeated foe. Our enemy, Satan, has no more real power than the teeth above Matthew’s head. Here me now, he has power, but it is limited. The victory is won.

It’s the tension of the now and the not yet. While our enemy is defeated, he can sure wreak some havoc on our lives by spreading lies. One of his favorites is that we are all alone. 

I woke up at 5:30 this morning so Franklin could get to work by 6. Side note: Franklin, our oldest son from Honduras, is here in the US! He arrived Labor Day weekend. It is  dream come true to have him here in our home. You will hear more about his visit very soon! Back to today’s post: Matt took Franklin to work so I went upstairs to enjoy the quiet house and avoid waking Sam and Joshua downstairs.

Sam got up and before I knew he was looking for me, he tried to go outside. He frantically searched the house and thought we were outside... or maybe that we weren’t here at all. By the time I got to him, tears streamed down his face and his breath came in sobs. I enveloped him in my arms and whispered, “I’m here.” In a few seconds, he calmed.

Devastating choices can result from believing the lie that we are all alone. Recently, I saw a young believer in our clinic. He just experienced a terrible break-up and found himself on a downward spiral. He had begun to believe he was all alone. He had depression and intrusive obsessive thoughts. When I told him that our pastor also struggled with depression and co-dependency, his eyes brightened with hope. His countenance said: You mean I am not alone! 

Sam’s fear grew up from a lie that no one was home. My client’s depression related to his belief at least in part that he was all alone. Reality had little to do with either of their fears. Our task is to sift through the lies, to tune our ears to hear our God, and to combat the lies with the truth. 

David wrote of a time he believed he was all alone. Hear his process as he came to understand the lie and replace it with truth.

Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” Then later, “Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.”

Yes, Lord, set us free. Let the truth set us free.