Wait

Wait is a four letter word. Our culture has taught us to abhor waiting. My flesh wants what it wants NOW!

This morning I drove to work in a van that smells like vomit. It smells like vomit because two weeks ago my son puked in it. Then my husband “cleaned” it up. So it still smells like vomit. I am WAITING for the smell to go away. As I wait, I am reminded of the stench of sin. Ever since the fall, the stench of sin has flooded the earth and tainted our experience as humans. Every day, every moment, we deal with the consequences of our choices to look to other gods and NOT the True God. 

We deal with Adam and Eve’s choices. We deal with our father’s, our mother’s choices. We deal with a virus that causes a child to vomit and then produces the vile odor that leads to a woman being very angry at a man for not cleaning a van well enough. We deal with the stench of sin.

Since the beginning of time, humans have waited on God. We either choose to wait on God or we make our own way. I am faced with the choice every moment to wait on God to save me or to make my own life work apart from Him. 

Today as I suffered in the stench of puke, I used a tiny dropper and spread a little fragrant peppercorn oil over the air vents. For a few moments, the van smelled of Christmas. Eventually, the puke overwhelmed the peppercorns and I sat again in the funk. 

I cannot sweeten the stench of sin.

To wait requires that I remain in the present - open and empty handed. To wait demands that I trust, that I hope in the only One who can save. But in fear; I numb, escape, deodorize and deaden parts of my soul to make waiting more palatable. These fixes are but temporary. 

Sometimes in the waiting, God unravels us. He unstacks the layers of bricks we have deposited to cope with life by hiding. The purpose of unraveling is always freedom. He desires to unbind us from these idols, addictions and so-called coping mechanisms.

The Hebrew word for “to wait” - qavah -  literally means to bind together like a cord. It implies twisting strings and weaving them together to form a rope - the more strands, the greater the strength. As I am unbound from my idols, He weaves me back together when I wait on Him.

In many languages and in Hebrew, the verb “to wait” is the same as “to hope.” The way to hope is to simplify: to believe that actually only ONE thing will save me and that is my HOPE in Jesus Christ. When I live for ONE man, my noisy heart and nervous spirit settle. Jesus paid a one-time sacrifice. He set me right before God for all eternity. I still wait on Him to come again and set things right on earth and in Heaven. Until then, I sit in the stench and wait. I struggle with sin and hope.

I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, 

And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning ;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD ;
For with the LORD there is lovingkindness,
And with Him is abundant redemption.

Psalm 130:5-7

Three Things I Know

The other day at church Lloyd, my pastor, asked us to make a list of the things we know “for sure.” Enlightened, I recalled our return from Honduras when I had understood that I knew so little for sure. In those early weeks we were grieving the loss of our home, our identity, our sons, our livelihood. I sometimes repeated this refrain in the recesses of my heart: I know so little for sure, like 3 things. 

1. Jesus is the Son of God.
2. He died on a cross for my sins and arose from the grave.
3. He’s coming back one day for me, His bride.

I looked at this as the glass half empty. I only know three things for sure. 

As Lloyd preached, the fruit of the last four years caught my eye. Knowing three things for sure is more like a glass half full. I KNOW THESE THREE FOR SURE. As we traversed the next few years of grief, these three things lay on the ground before me like living stone steps. Put your foot here. Avoid that mud. Walk in this place. Balance. Yes. Forward. Now, the other foot. OK. You can take another step.

The truth on the ground before me, solid and unmoving, outlined a path forward out of the ruins. 

Gratitude wells up in my soul. Lord, Thank you for giving me 3 things to wrap my decimated life around. I look back on that time now with hope and trust. At the time, though, I had very little hope and I had almost no trust. I had ONLY the three stones beckoning me forward. 

Whenever I have this word - ONLY - in combination with Jesus, I have an abundance.

His Bride

At the end of 2009, I wrote in my journal: 

Dear Jesus, Thank you for meeting me today. For reminding me why I live and for whom I live. Holy Fire, consume what is of me. I want more of You and less of me, Jesus. I am afraid of being seduced or lulled to sleep by the baubles and empty promises of pleasure in this world. Your Word has goaded me today to focus on what is important - the ONE THING. My one goal or resolution in 2010 is to fear God. 

Well, I may as well have prayed for patience. My Gracious God seized this opportunity and 2010 taught me what all I FEARED. God was not at the top of the list. Grace, my teacher, gently and sometimes firmly directed my eyes to see all the ways I live in fear. Fear of my reputation. Fear of men. Fear of failure. Fear of losing control. Fear of being exposed as dumb, weak, or sick. I could go on.

Like my spiritual director pointed out: my desire was a good one. I do want to fear God. And the beginning of that certainly is to know what I really fear. And then to repent. 

Also in that journal from 2009, I had copied and pasted a page from Dan Allender’s book, Cry of the Soul. I wish I could plunk it down in front of you right now. Here is a highlight:

Too often, we let the fear of the world drive us into ourselves, where we find no strength. Instead, we should let it drive us to the fear of God. The fear of God does not drive us away from God, but rather to God. It is only as the fear of God overcomes our fear of the world that we can truly and productively cope with our fears in the world. 

Fear is a flight away from harm. It is the product of helplessness, weakness brought about by a feeling of inadequacy and lack of control. If we demand control and success, we will be destroyed, because in a sinful world our weaknesses will continually be exposed. But if we submit to God instead of demanding control, and serve God instead of insisting on success then we will be changed and our fears will dissipate. God’s sovereignty is the ultimate issue as we face this choice.

So it comes down to trust. Will I trust God with my life, my self, my children? Will I trust that He has a plan and it is good? Will I trust Him with the future of this earth? Will I trust Him?

So what does it look like to trust, to fear God? 

Allender writes, It means to be anxious and eager to greet Him. It means to build our lives around the call of being His bride, to anticipate the pleasure of love and the aroma of passion. To fear God is to be consumed with His presence. 

This phrase captures my heart: to build my life around the call of being His bride. As I have let other fears in, my days have become disoriented. But the call of being His bride  arranges my desires, my priorities, my days. This identity as His bride orients me.

I pray that in 2011, this call will re-orient me to live with eternity in mind. All things will come under the influence of this call. My days will begin by eagerly greeting Him. As circumstances crumble, I will let Him in on it and ask for His help. I will not blame Him when life goes south but seek Him in that darkness. When it is time to celebrate, I will call Him first. 

I desire for this identity - my identity as His bride - to be my core and all other facets of who I am to be arranged around that.

As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you. Isaiah 62:5

Fear Not

Today I awoke to a dark house excited to spend my first moments alone with God. I tiptoed to the coffee pot then to my chair. A few days ago, I had put my journal in a basket beside the chair in anticipation of these moments. I turned the switch of the lamp balancing coffee and “click” the lightbulb flickered for a moment and died. I sat again in the dark. Wow, Lord, that feels like the enemy.

I whispered a prayer that nothing touches my life but that it first passes through the protective fingers of My Heavenly Father. 

Then, I moved my coffee and journal to the end of the couch and found a working lamp. I sat with the Lord in silence and processed yesterday. I had an appointment with a doctor about my foot. My foot has hurt off and on since spring of 2010. Finally, I found the self-care to go see about it. I sat in the doctor’s office for 2 hours arguing with Cobra that I had insurance coverage. Cigna says, “call Connexis.” 

Connexis says that we have not paid. 

I say, “we have an AUTOMATED BANK DRAFT every month that pays you for these services.” 

Connexis says, “The draft is for the 15th so we won’t have January coverage until 1/15/11.” 

“Crazymaking,” I say, “can’t you see that if we pay on the 15th of each month for that month, in effect, I have no coverage for two weeks out of each month equaling a breach of contract on your part. I am paying for the month and I am getting half the month.” 

She says, “You can pay today.” 

I say, “I paid on the 15th.”  

And so the circular conversation persists for 2 hours. 

I had talked to the ladies at the front desk off and on. Finally, I say to Betsy, “Just let me self-pay.” 

Forget the fact that I pay a large sum of money each month for insurance and if I self-pay today for x-rays and physician services, I likely will never recover the funds. She looks at me with kind eyes and red-spikey hair lining an attractive face and says, “It is now 2:45. Your appointment was at 1:00. I’m sorry. I asked the nurse and she said they cannot see you. I tried.”

I felt battered, needless to say. This process had me questioning the constitution of the United States and the greed and lust of our current culture. Take morality out of free enterprise and what do you have? I am not sure what to call it but many are exploited. I felt like one of those. My reaction to this powerlessness? To bawl. I got on the elevator, tears streaming, and left the scene. 

Back to today. The Lord gently reminds me that He is My Father and that all things that pass into my life are GRACE.

Sam wakes up and pads in asking for his chocolate milk. As I am stirring standing at my kitchen butcher block, I see a little angel he made. The message on the skirt of the angel, “FEAR NOT.” 

Got it, Lord. Thanks. These tiny letters speak to my heart and call my soul back to truth. He speaks through a tiny paper angel constructed in love by 5-year-old fingers. 

Update on 01.7.2011 by gigi

Grateful Instead

This Thanksgiving, as I contemplate the year and what I am grateful for, I am aware of a space growing in my heart. Two years ago, I drew in my journal a root of bitterness. Turns out, I wrote on that root for quite a few months. I attempted to name the things that robbed me of gratitude. These things have another name: resentment. 

Nouwen writes, “Along with trust, there must be gratitude - the opposite of resentment. Resentment and gratitude cannot coexist, since resentment blocks the perception and experience of life as a gift. My resentment tells me that I don’t receive what I deserve. It always manifests itself as envy. Gratitude, however, goes beyond the ‘mine’ and ‘thine’ and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift.” The Prodigal Son.

In my thinking, resentment leads to bitterness. Resentment means bitter indignation at being treated unfairly. Entitlement is the thread in the fabric of resentment. I assume I know the “fair” way I should be treated. Over time, this entitlement weaves a web of resentment. And as these threads entangle us, a web of bitterness is cast. It binds us and deadens us to the miracle of life. 

I believe my resentment started with my parent’s divorce when I was 12. Shouldn’t I have two parents who love each other and faithfully stay together? I began to expect certain things in life (entitlement). I thought I knew the plan God had for me. This great web of deception became apparent to me upon our return from Honduras. We gave our lives away and I thought I knew the end to that. I thought I knew how things would turn out. When we came home, I was devastated on many levels. As I allowed myself to unravel before God, I came to Him with questions and wrestled honestly before Him. 

In my resentment, I had blamed God for the difficulties.

Only by God’s grace, I started to name the rhizomes. In the naming, they loosened. Finally, the root gave way to space.

The pulling up of the root of bitterness - the changing of the lens - the placing blame on evil, sin, and flesh instead of God - All created a womb-space in me, a place for God to come and dwell. Now this is surely not a one-time event but a life-time process.

As grace filled the spaces the root of bitterness left, new growth has bloomed. As grace fills the womb-space, I am seeing life as a gift. In the place of bitterness, I am grateful instead.

Mary's response to the angel changed her life to be sure. She said: “I am the Lord’s handmaiden. May it be as you have said.” Her yes grew from a microscopic zygote to a movement that has changed the world. May I have the courage, May you have the courage to say yes and create a microscopic space for God to come and dwell.

There is always the choice between resentment and gratitude because God has appeared in my darkness, urged me to come home and declared in a voice filled with affection: “You are with me always and all I have is yours.” Nouwen, The Prodigal Son